A little clarification. The girls I dated who were particularly religious (most of the girls I dated as it turned out) are represented here as an amalgam, a fictional character based on actual events and whose name doesn't get mentioned to protect the...um, me. When I say "she," I'm not referring to anyone in particular.  The girl pictured is not supposed to look like anyone in particular. She's supposed to represent someone who's hot, smart, usually caring and often talented. So if you are an ex-girlfriend...just don't. Ok?

A few episodes ago I ranted about a girlfriend who called me the devil, essentially accused me of thought crimes. Let me explain further.

When I was a kid  I had an active imagination, inspired greatly by monster movies. I loved pretending. My brothers and I referred to it as "playing movies," as in,

"Hey, wanna go play a movie?" "Yeah, let's be pirates. You can be the captain and I'll be a skeleton you have to swordfight." And such.

Ok, so what's that got to do with girls I dated later. Well I'm still an artistic, imaginative person. I'm a musician and actor. I live out my imagination through my art. This could be a problem for a religious girlfriend because imagination tends to lead to questions about religion. And religion, as you know,  relies on it's followers not asking questions.

But i's ok to use your "gift" for God, you know all that Jesus Cabaret crap I mentioned before, singing in church, etc. And I tried it, for a long time. But man, there comes a time when a creative person has to express himself, not just God. But that's tantamount to self worship. See, singing in Church is worship. Therefore singing about anything other than God is idolatry.

"Oh, come on, Dan. No one thinks like that!"

Shit, I wish that were true. Seriously, I dated a girl (many girls, actually) who not only thought I was evil for listening to "evil music" but who also claimed that imagining fantasy things, even entertaining the notion of say, dragons and wizards, puts one's soul in danger.

And see, there's that look again, that condescending, judgmental bullshit!

And another thing.  They pick and choose. Christians pay attention to certain things in their bible and disregard others. Like, they think you're supposed to hate gays but forget that you're supposed to kill disobedient children (MATT 15:4), and all that "letter to Dr. Laura" stuff.

And I had to eventually come to terms with the fact that I was doing the same thing. I was just leaving out the killing and hatred, keeping the peace and love.

So why did I date these girls?

Well, partly because of the Bible Buffet thing. One girl in particular, though hyper religious, was great in the sack.

No.

Looking back, most of the religious girls I dated tended to put out more than non-religious girls. A few times I got the "well, we're probably going to get married anyway, so the pre-marital sex isn't really that bad" justification. And as a young male, I wasn't about to point out what bullshit that was.

I guess the real question is why did these girls date me? Was I also great in the sack? Or were they only interested in saving my soul...with sex?

Oh, is that what she meant? Hey! She can never say she was faking it because that would definitely constitute taking God's name in vain.