Funny how God was never the one who dealt with me when I screwed up in Church.

And funny, they never said, "God’s always watching you," when I did something good. After school band concerts or even after I cantored (sang) at mass mom would say, “I’m proud of you,” not, “God’s proud of you.”

That's me in the cornet section.

In fairness to mom, we had this cool tradition where after a band concert we’d go to the store and get one of those giant Hershey bars.

My brother and I were alter boys. My mother was always late. When you show up late for mass you just sit in the back so as not to disturb folks or draw attention. But when you’re serving (alter boying) and you’re late…God damn it so many times, we’re ten minutes into mass and there go me and my bro running up the side isle to get into our cassocks (alter boy garb) while the priest leads the congregation in scowling at us.

And we can’t say, “It’s not my fault! I’m 14! I don’t drive! Talk to my mother!” because you don’t back-talk to an adult, especially a priest. And besides, honor thy father and mother.

Later, my brother and I got involved in church music. Yeah, the 70s, guitar mass. It made me feel close to God, like I was really taking part in something important. When I sing or play I feel elated, like my spirit is soaring. And it was such a thrill to share this gift with my fellow Christians.

No, really I just liked performing and coffee shops weren't back in vogue yet. It really felt more like this:

Plus it was a hell of lot better than being an alter boy. Alter boys were important but musicians were indispensable.

The problem was, the music was crap. Much of it still is. It was post Vatican II*, which means that the church had loosened up about things like alter girls, eating meat on Fridays and music. Church composers started writing music with guitar accompaniment  but hadn't quite figured out  what they were doing. The result was pretty ugly, a lot of pop tunes with lyrics lifted directly out of liturgical documents and/or old protestant hymns sung to guitar and tambourine.

Oh we made some joyful noises!

I still play for a Church, one service a week. It's a job. Once I embraced my atheism I had to come to terms with my employment being in contrast to my lack of beliefs. But it's like this, if I were a roofer and the church needed a roof, I'd take the job and they'd pay me to do it. I'm a musician, they pay me to accompany the cantors. And I get to play a beautiful Yamaha grand piano. I usually bring a book to read during the boring parts.

Tangent. Several years ago I was at a friend’s wedding and another friend was singing. It was one of those horrible situations that wedding musicians often find themselves in where the bride and groom (or their parents) want contemporary music but the only accompanist is a ninety year old, blind organist with a moldy sweater and a bun but the church’s policy is that you have to use their organist. Remember that awful Wedding Song, from the 70’s? Well the singer gave the sheet music to the organist who couldn’t play it, so he had to sing it a cappella. Now imagine that chant-like melody without accompaniment, echoing in Gregorian style through the church. The solo chant in contrast to those sappy lyrics set me off giggling.

Only this time, in the absence of mom, I had my girlfriend** to keep me in line. She didn't get it. She wasn't Catholic.

*Vatican II or the Second Ecumenical Council was a meeting of high-up clergy in which things were decided as to how the archaic church would function in modern society. It was not, as many hoped, the long awaited sequel to Vatican the Movie, Vatican II Electric Boogaloo.

**She was one of many religious girls I dated. More on that later.